I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize