So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
tell me about the fingering
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
