one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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