Ketchup is God's man juice
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize