I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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