You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
