I wish you could order shots online.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
