I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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