As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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