I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
