You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
