Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
