I must be too annoying 4 u.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
