I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
