cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
