so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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