there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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