i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
