Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
