If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Less talking, more tequila
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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