I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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