i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
