Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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