am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
