I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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