I just pynch a tree in the face
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
