Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My ATM looks so different sober.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
