I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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