I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
