Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
