I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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