She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
