Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
