hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize