Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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