Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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