Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
