What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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