i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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