I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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