Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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