Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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