i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
