I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
