i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Randomize
