I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
