If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
