i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
