she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
