he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
