Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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