I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
