Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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