i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
