I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
