Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
