I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize