Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's shark week go big or go home
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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