I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
