she was so not down for the gang bang
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
All I want is dick and wine.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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