I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He felt like a one man threesome
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
