Me too!
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
