I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
