it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
