First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
