I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
